nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
