Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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