ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
