What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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