She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
