just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
