When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
