I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
