I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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