I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
