I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
