If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
