Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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