Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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