i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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