I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
