I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
