Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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