i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
