Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
