i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
