My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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