Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
