I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
