I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
be right there i have to get my cape
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
