found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize