She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
