Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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