I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
