Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
