If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What drink are we having for lunch?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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