Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I didn't notice because vodka
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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