Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
