I think I am morally bankrupt
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
