My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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