god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
