theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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