Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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