So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
