Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
40s are totally the cure
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
