new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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