FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
