rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I smell stomach acid.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
