did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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