hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
