i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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