I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
