God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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