If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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