Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
