The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
