last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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