96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
