it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
