Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
