she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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