at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
