did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
